Hey guys! First, I want to say thank you to anyone that is reading this right now. I really try to give my all into each blog that I write, so you coming to read and hear about my experiences really means a lot. Praying that you are blessed and that you enjoy this read. Like and comment, let me know what you think!
Fair Warning, this will be a very vulnerable post. Alright, let's get into it.
So, I went back and read my last spiritual tea blog post. If you haven't read it, GO BACK AND READ IT! Because it was definitely inspired by the holy spirit. Reading it back I was like wow. And it also made me realize how much I've grown man. I am so grateful for the growth that I have experienced. I have FINALLY graduated to the GROWING stage of my spiritual walk.
If you didn't read that blog, here's a short run down of what I mean by the growing stage. Whenever I explain my spiritual life, I use a plant analogy. Essentially there are four stages in my spiritual walk: planting, rooting, growing, blooming. Planting being that first stage when you decide in your heart that you love Christ, and you want to live your life for and with him. Rooting being that stage where you learn more about Christ and who he is and are digging into his word and trying to spend more time with him. Growing being the stage when you are now applying things to your life, trying to live for Christ, being intentional about your walk and your spiritual relationship. Blooming being when you see the change in yourself and when you share that change with others. These stages are a cycle. You plant, root, grow, bloom, and then start all over again. You never stop learning; you never get to a perfect place in your spiritual life. You can always grow more spiritually while you're on this earth.
As I said, I'm finally starting to see myself be in the growing stage. YUHHHH. No, but seriously I am happy to see my growth. The thing is I wouldn't recognize my growth had I not read my previous blog post. I get so frustrated with myself and feeling like I can never get things right. Turns out, I've actually grown a lot. With that being said, I truly recommend journaling. I just started doing that, but with blogging I was able to see the benefits before starting.
Anywho, I've been trying really hard to incorporate the things that I've learned in the Bible and applying them to my day-to-day life. The main things I struggle with is discipline, boundaries, and grudges. Those things have REALLY been a struggle for me in this stage of my spiritual growth. When it comes to being disciplined, man, I am lazy. Like that's really just the reality of the situation. Sometimes, I just don't feel like doing certain things, and even though my spirit and mind is like you gotta push through it, my body is like... nah kid. And I just don't. I have to literally put all of my energy sometimes into doing small things like waking up on time to start my day. My goal is to wake up BEFORE Grace, so I can have time to pour into myself. But it literally takes every ounce of my mental strength to get up that early lol. And even then, sometimes it doesn't happen. Which leads to me not having devotion, or if I do have it, I'm not fully focused because Grace wants attention. I don't have time for my morning routine which is essentially just me taking the time to pour into myself and start the day off with a positive mindset. So, i start my day off tired and just not feeling like my best self. Which effects my whole day. That ONE decision leads to my whole day not being on track. And that's just one example of the many times a day I lack in discipline lol.
Another thing I'm struggling with right now is boundaries. Man... all I can do is laugh at this one. Because I will literally tell myself I'm setting these boundaries, even tell others I am. And STILL cross the boundaries. Unprovoked. It feels so ridiculous. I make all of these excuses as to why crossing these boundaries are okay in the moment, and then later I'm kicking myself because I see the results and why I set the boundary in the first place. The boundaries I set for myself are usually to prevent some domino effect that ends in something negative. Thankfully, God answered a prayer of mine which was to show me how to prevent my mental spirals. The issue is, he showed me, and I set boundaries so that I don't spiral. AND THEN I CROSS THE BOUNDARY. And then I... spiral. Of course. And the spiral is always worse because I knew I could've prevented it. It's the most frustrating thing ever. Being in this growing stage, God has blessed me with showing me where I need to make some changes in myself. It's just a daily battle against my flesh to make those changes.
Lastly, I struggle with holding grudges. I will say it's not like a big thing where I hate people or something. I wouldn't even say I hold grudges against a specific person. If anything, God has been teaching me to show everyone love and grace because I'm not perfect either. I've hurt other people as well. It's just that when I get hurt, I don't know how to get past it. Not with the person that hurt me per say, but just in general. I always instinctively don't know how to put myself into that same position with anyone else. For example, say I tell someone a secret, and they go and share that with someone else. I now don't know how to comfortably tell anyone else a secret lol. Which really isn't fair in all honesty. And to make it worse, I don't know how to let stuff go, which is so annoying. Past traumas live in my head rent free. I am a very loving person; I would say I'm very forgiving to people. I just don't know how to get over things. Which is really affecting me as I'm trying to move forward spiritually. God needs me to let some things go so I can step into the woman he wants me to be, I just feel as though I'm holding myself back.
Now, after telling you all my business. I will say that I am beyond grateful I serve a God who gives grace and mercy. As much as I beat up on myself, God doesn't. God continuously reminds me to give myself grace. I'm human (unfortunately). He continuously reminds me that he loves me, that he understands what I'm feeling and what I'm going through. He continuously sends me a spirit of comfort and joy and strength to keep fighting my flesh and to continue chasing after him. And I know that I'm growing. I know that I am CURRENTLY walking in purpose. That God is holding my hand in this moment and every other moment. Despite the countless times I fall, he is literally always there to help me get up. That's the God I serve.
I really hope that in me sharing what I'm experiencing, someone else can relate and know that you aren't struggling alone. Or if you aren't struggling with this now and you do in the future you can remember to give yourself some grace. If you've been through these things before, leave in the comments how you got through it. It would be a blessing to me and I'm sure to someone else.
If you made it this far. You're a great human lol. I hope this impacted you.
Till next time <3